Daft Punked

We here at Nochealla would just like to thank everyone for their loyal readership and point out that we were 100% correct with our predictions of who would be left off the highly anticipated Coachella lineup poster. While some blogs got your hopes up with their Daft Punking and Rolling Stoning we held it down and made sure all you Polish Symphony Orchestra fans saved your hard earned Zloty.

Stay tuned for our newest blogs: Bonna-ruled out and Lollapaloosers

Until then feel free to check out our friends at The Spicy Tuna for the ongoing lo-down on the music you should be listening to on your road trips to Coachella.

The King is Dead for 2011 (Long Live the King)

The word coming out of Graceland this year is that Elvis Presley will not be making his long awaited return this year at Coachella. Presley, who has been living on planet Roleii since his alleged death in 1977, has for the past decade declared that Coachella would be the only acceptable venue for his intergalactic return.

Sources close to the Coachella organizers have intimated that they'd be thrilled to have Elvis headline the festival but cite numerous logistical obstacles that have so far proved too great to overcome.

Festival organizers are having trouble securing a travel visa for the King. Elvis, who hasn't been a resident of Earth after humans proved unworthy of his sublime talent 33 years ago, reportedly is unable to attain a passport that will be acknowledged by any Earthly government. Todd Epstein, Elvis' self-proclaimed manager and otherwise unemployed comic book enthusiast, fears that the King might be turned back upon entering the stratosphere, or worse, kept by the Government for sinister experiments, “like the ones in a bunch of those 1950's B-movies.”

There have also been rumours that Elvis is wanted for questioning regarding a 1973 assault in Indio, CA. However, when asked via telephone if it could be confirmed that a local assault charge was preventing an alien Elvis Presley returning to Earth to play Coachella, Indio mayor Lupe Ramos Watson replied: "What in holy hell are you talking about? How did you get [her] number?” Since then, serious doubts have been cast on the veracity of the rumour.

Concerns about whether the King, born 75 years ago, would be physically able to perform in the hot desert were laid to rest when Coachella's resident science-fiction physist Andre Tomlinson assured Nochella that atmospheric conditions on Roleii would have probably allowed Elvis to slowly age in reverse and he would now be roughly equivalent 25 years old.

However, Tomlinson did express concern about Elvis' ability to travel at speeds fast enough to make it to the festival on time, but not so fast that he wouldn't accidently travel back in time.

According to Epstein, after being excluded for the tenth straight year, Elvis is “all shook up”.

 Artistic Interpretation of Elvis' current appearance.

99 Luftballoons Will Not Go By at Coachella

No Coachella spot or hats large enough to fit

To the chagrin of many European and nostalgia-loving Coachella fans, famed German singer Nena will not be gracing this year’s festival stage. Nena’s dedicated camp of managers, publicists, and hair-stylists were unable to maintain her spot in the line-up, due to a series of unfortunate circumstances.

Coachella benefactor and noted patriot Gerald Scott, age 77, threatened to pull his funding of the entire concert due to his insistence that a “Luftballoon” was actually a WWII spy plane. Scott reportedly refused to listen to other Coachella executives, saying he’d be “damned if he let those Krauts on American soil.” At one point, however, he seemed to be warming to the idea until an intern released 99 balloons into Scott’s bedroom as he slept. Scott is currently in the ICU of Saint John’s Medical Center.

Happiness or German death planes?

Even though this seemed like a crucial setback, Coachella continued to entertain Nena’s spot as a performer, but eventually gave up due to the extravagant nature of her concert rider. Coachella had been prepared with 99, or even 100 in case of emergency, balloons to release at the climax of the hit single but Nena’s rider requested “99 balloons for every concert-goer.” Other demands that could not be met included a variety of vintage jean jackets and a bust of David Hasselhoff made entirely of the Berlin wall.

It looks like an unchecked ego and unjustified anti-German sentiment have put the brakes on Nena’s Coachella bid, a feeling that beloved German indie-polka group Yah!sayer knows all too well.

Tough Ja "Ruling" for Coachella

What's my motherfuckin name?!

Inmate #350928. 

Despite already being slotted in to headline the Coachella stage on Friday night, it looks like everyone's favourite murder Inc. member, Ja Rule, will not be playing Coachella this year. Earlier today Mr. Rule pleaded guilty to weapon possession charges stemming from a 2007 incident involving his Maybach, Lil Wayne and a loaded semi-automatic. Ja will face a minimum of 2 years in the clink where he can look forward to numerous conjugal visits from DMX on an ATV surrounded by Pitbulls.

Word from the courtroom was that the judge, a big Ashanti fan, was willing to let Ja Rule off the hook however the defendant's continued yelling of  "MURRRRDEERRR" left the judge no choice but to lock him up.

Coachella organizers are now struggling to fill Ja Rule's spot. Rumored fill-ins include: Fat Joe, Bow Wow and Nelly.

He wasn't always there when we called, but was always on time. See you at Coachella 2013 Ja Rule.

Macho Man but a Mirage

Macho Man Randy Savage: WWF Wrestler, Corporate Spokesperson, Musician?

History has seen a number of entertainers launch music careers, none more critically acclaimed and universally praised than Macho Man Randy Savage's 2003 Rap Masterpiece - Be a Man.

"I have always been more of a rock 'n roller but the fact that I can't sing always stopped me from entertaining in that way. When rap came along I jumped all over it," - Randall Mario Poffo (Macho Man)

Including a tribute to "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig as well as a diss track aimed at Hulk Hogan, Be a Man was an incredibly promising debut and was expected to spark a long and prosperous career for MC Savage. However, always the entertainer, Macho ended up changing gears to focus on his acting career. Check out his work in Spiderman.

Fast Forward to 2010. World Wrestling Entertainment has floundered due to the rising popularity of UFC and the fact that it is just plain awful. In an attempt to re-invigorate the "sport" Macho Man has been throwing his name "into the ring" of summer festival reunion tours.

Unfortunately, Coachella organizers Goldenvoice are not smelling what Macho Man is cookin, they have denied Macho's application to play Coachella. Nochella caught up with Macho's manager James Jones for details: "Randy is back in 2011, we are disappointed Golden Voice didn't think so, we'll be taking our flying elbows and life time supply of Slim Jim's to this years Rock the Bells festival instead."


"You were my perfect friend
Right there until the end
I'm forever missin' you
Until we meet again"
 - Macho Man Randy Savage, "Perfect Friend"

Until we meet again, Macho.

Don't Stop Believing ... Unless It's About the Glee Cast's Coachella Performance

Sure, pop starlets and indie hipsters are odd bed fellows, but the convergence of the two styles has been highly documented ever since Bon Iver's Justin Vernon began dating Lady Gaga. This isn't about the tabloids though, this is about the disappointing announcement that the cast of Glee will not be playing Coachella in 2011. After purporting rumors that the Glee Cast would be performing, influential music website Pitchfork Media has apologized and rescinded that speculation.

When asked to comment on the error, Pitchfork Founder Ryan Schreiber told Nochella, "Yeah sure, we got ahead of ourselves. The excitement surrounding [the Glee Cast's] possible Coachella performance got us pumped and ready, and we let that emotion get ahead of accuracy." Though no official explanation has been made, rumors that organizers wouldn't agree to the Glee Cast's sound specifications demand or their need for pyrotechnics.

The famous Fox TV Show turned spectacular tour has been impressing indie communities through the United States, not to mention recently selling out a three night-stand at New York City's Bowery Ballroom.

"Don't Stop Believing," the Glee Cast told us, but it looks like it might be time to do just so.

Polish Symphony Orchestra Buzz Kill

Well, we're not fucking surprised. Yet another major Eastern European orchestra is rumoured to be on the outside looking in on the 2011 Coachella line up.

The message Coachella is sending here is clear: don't go chasing waterfalls, Polish Symphony Orchestra. Stick to the Eastern European concert halls and recital halls that you're used to.

And it seems that's precisely what the 124-member supergroup will do.

Speculation has been rampant and ramp-ant that the Orchestra (which goes by the full name National Polish Radio Symphony Orchestra [NPRSO] - as if we didn't know they only ever get played on national radio) would not be attending ever since the announcement that the NPRSO was looking for a new concertmaster this January.

NPRSO broke onto the indie-classical scene in 1935, and has since released 198 albums, including their 2010's 15-disc record, "Mahler’s Complete Symphonies."

Since dropping "Dvořák's Hussite Overture, Op. 67, B 132" in 1973 the Orchestra's popularity has been on the decline. Nonetheless, sources has speculated that the group might return to the United States due to their limited overseas popularity.



More like National No-lish Radio Symphony Orchestra.

It has been suggested by Coachella insiders that the NPRSO's Wind Quintet could still be confirmed for the festival, check back for updates.

[UPDATE: the Quintet's Principal Bassoon Marek Barański has been taken to hospital after an apparent overdose. We assume this rules out the Quintet as well. Fucking bassoonists.]