99 Luftballoons Will Not Go By at Coachella

No Coachella spot or hats large enough to fit

To the chagrin of many European and nostalgia-loving Coachella fans, famed German singer Nena will not be gracing this year’s festival stage. Nena’s dedicated camp of managers, publicists, and hair-stylists were unable to maintain her spot in the line-up, due to a series of unfortunate circumstances.

Coachella benefactor and noted patriot Gerald Scott, age 77, threatened to pull his funding of the entire concert due to his insistence that a “Luftballoon” was actually a WWII spy plane. Scott reportedly refused to listen to other Coachella executives, saying he’d be “damned if he let those Krauts on American soil.” At one point, however, he seemed to be warming to the idea until an intern released 99 balloons into Scott’s bedroom as he slept. Scott is currently in the ICU of Saint John’s Medical Center.

Happiness or German death planes?

Even though this seemed like a crucial setback, Coachella continued to entertain Nena’s spot as a performer, but eventually gave up due to the extravagant nature of her concert rider. Coachella had been prepared with 99, or even 100 in case of emergency, balloons to release at the climax of the hit single but Nena’s rider requested “99 balloons for every concert-goer.” Other demands that could not be met included a variety of vintage jean jackets and a bust of David Hasselhoff made entirely of the Berlin wall.

It looks like an unchecked ego and unjustified anti-German sentiment have put the brakes on Nena’s Coachella bid, a feeling that beloved German indie-polka group Yah!sayer knows all too well.